About the Book ~ Fight and Flight
The Raw Journey of a Life on the Edge, Healing and Purpose
I always knew I would be a pilot. Since my first memory at age five of sitting under the tree on our front lawn with Dad’s flight manuals strewn around me and splayed across my little lap, it never occurred to me to wonder what I would be when I grew up. I always knew.
But I had no idea I would become a combat pilot, bring down one of the greatest barriers to women serving their country, turn out to be gay, or face the very real prospect of going to prison simply because I was gay.
And I certainly could never have imagined that I would one day be facing breast cancer, the amputation of body parts, lost in its darkness and depression, and so immobilized from the destruction I couldn’t even put on my own socks.
I could never have imagined any of that as I roller-coastered through the sky in my T-38 high performance jet with my wingman three-feet away, both aircraft flying 600 miles per hour, right side up then upside down, straining against the G-forces, with my head and face plastered to a helmet and oxygen mask.
The prospect of prison time was nowhere in my mind as my C-130 rumbled down the runway for takeoff destined for war-torn Sarajevo in what was then Yugoslavia. Loaded to the maximum allowable weight with life-saving food and supplies, it took almost the entire 8,000-foot runway to get up enough speed to pull the mighty Herk into the air.
Adding to that was the weight of us – six crewmembers each loaded down in our combat helmets, survival gear, armored vests, and side arms, a heavy load that made pulling the yoke back far enough to get the nose up a two-pilot feat.
My being a closeted gay woman Air Force pilot was certainly nowhere in my consciousness when our radar warning alarm went off telling us in our nearly defenseless C-130 that we’d been “lit up” by a surface-to-air missile, targeted for possible shoot down by one of the several warring groups that hid out on Mount Igman and rained shelling down on Sarajevo. As I spun the giant aircraft around on the ground to ready it for immediate re-takeoff, dropping the tail door while still moving to expedite the rapid expulsion of our six pallets, there was never a thought about the amputation of my breasts and certainly not cancer.
From of all that, and so much more, my memoir, Fight and Flight: A Raw Journey of a Life on the Edge, Healing and Purpose, has emerged, telling the intimate, powerful, and inspiring story of my journey of triumph over adversity. A story of survival and re-emergence from darkness into light – into Life – and learning how to listen to the Universe…Creator…Source…God… and the callings of my persistent, unconquerable soul to not only find but live my purpose. A journey in which I rise above the destruction of my life and uncover the raw power of the human spirit.
At times harrowing, often humorous, but always hopeful, Fight and Flight is a brave, breathtaking exploration of extraordinary determination, resilience, and self-discovery.
Why This Book Matters, and Matters Now
Fight and Flight is not solely a book by a cancer survivor about the physical, psychological and emotional destruction wrought by the disease, its treatments, and the healthcare system such as one might find in the Health section of Barnes & Noble.
It is not solely a story by a woman combat pilot about women or women pilots, and the battle to be respected and to belong, that one might find in the Women’s Studies section of Books-a-Million.
It is not solely a story by a pilot about fascinating aviation adventures that would live in the Travel section of an airport terminal Hudson’s.
It is not solely a story by a gay person about LGBTQ+ issues of identity and discrimination that would be found in the LGBTQ+ chasm of Amazon.
It is not solely a story by a woman Veteran about enduring assault and PTSD that typically has no dedicated shelf space at all.
It is a stunning and brutally honest combination of all of these things … but it is more.
Readers seek narratives that reflect their own experiences, challenge societal norms, provide authentic portrayals of vulnerability and complex identities, and offer honest insights. We crave inspirational stories of resilience and triumph over significant life challenges, healthcare battles, career issues, and identity struggles.
We follow and advocate for empowerment, representation in leadership roles, health equity, violence prevention, mental health reform, and gender equality. We are personal growth-seekers, passionate about personal development, dedicated to continual self-improvement, and committed to our continued resilience. And we participate in conversations on all these issues that permeate society – in the workplace, on social media, at the gym, in book clubs, and over coffee, beer & wine, and wings.
We are hungry for narratives that inspire and provide tools for reflection, empowerment, personal discovery, and finding our life purpose. Fight and Flight will feed that hunger.
Why I Wrote Fight and Flight
I’ve been asked why I wrote Fight and Flight many times. I’ve been asked why I persist, why I keep fighting, and just where does this determination of mine to keep overcoming adversity come from. Like many people, I’ve been told for years, “You need to write a book!” My response was always, “Why? Who would care?” and would ignore it and move on.
But there was this discomfort in my heart and at the back of my brain that would not relent. So, four years ago I began writing – with no idea what I was doing or why.
I Wrote for Three Reasons
The first reason was simple pragmatism: something to do to burn time. I wrote everywhere from the cockpit of my Boeing 767 at 35,000 feet during 10-hour legs, to darkened aircraft galleys under the glow of emergency exit lights, to hotel rooms around the globe, to international airline lounges at 3 a.m. in distant, far-flung cities.
The next reason that I wrote came from the realization that, for me, this writing thing was self-delivered therapy. It made me think and ask questions. Especially about what had happened to me. I wasn’t writing to find answers, but just the realization that I was curious about what had happened – and unafraid to go back and explore -- caused a seismic shift within me. This exploration was both free and freeing – it didn’t cost me a dime, and it ended up being the cleansing, cathartic experience of a lifetime.
The curiosity about all that had happened spawned a driving need to know why all these things had happened. And why did I still feel like a complete failure, despite having been through such hell, survived, fought my way back, and achieved so much?
It was this compelling need to know why that is the third reason I wrote. It is the sole reason that I experienced an awakening and gained the awareness that I must write this book.
I awoke to the realization that if I didn’t figure out and understand the why, there was no way I would ever find any purpose to my being on this planet.
Early in the journey of writing my memoir, I often hit a frustration point. All memoirs seem to end with the author having figured all their shit out. And, wonder of wonders, they have all the answers and appear on television and stages and radio shows and make a ton of money telling the rest of us how to figure our shit out. Most days, as I wrote, I didn’t feel like I had any shit figured out. I felt lost, alone, awash in life’s currents being tossed about, and wondering what it is I’m meant to be doing and be being.
I’ve been there in that darkness and lost-ness. I’ve stood in the middle of it. I’ve had the conversations with myself. That maybe I’ve done enough. That I could leave this earth today and know I’ve made a few differences and that I’ve done my bit. God knows, I’ve done my bit for the defense of this country and for its medical schools. I think I’ll be okay when the scorecard is tallied on the other side. Not great, no Time Magazine Person of the Year award, but good enough. Enough. But it wasn’t enough.
The Answer to Why
My awakening was this:
All the experiences that have come before in my life up this very point have been to prepare me to write this book and be able to help others.
Every person, every event, every thing, every feeling and every thought. It has all happened so that the Universe can teach me and shape me and prepare me to write Fight and Flight. For stepping up into my purpose. All I had to do is say “yes.” My soul was already there and waiting.
I have been given a gift – a huge gift. I have a confluence of identities – woman, pilot, combat pilot, Veteran, cancer survivor, gay – that transcends many parts of our society.
I have a spectrum of life experiences unusual for a single human being.
I’m able to write, tell stories, and make sense of it with inspirational, meaningful, and useful take-aways and messages.
And I know and understand my purpose.
The answer to the why – why I wrote this book – is simply this: Because I have been given a gift. And it is my purpose on this planet, and my responsibility, to share this gift with others and make a difference in the world.